Shortly before Midnight, 27 Sept 2017
For over 20 years, since Jordan started Kindergarten, or even before, Julie instituted the routine of having a morning devotional with the Children. It lasted about 10 minutes each day, and consisted of a short inspirational story for children, a few verses of scripture stories, a worshipful song, and a prayer. On days when there was only a minute to spare before the bus came, she would kneel in prayer with them by the front door as the bus pulled up.
Over the past two years, she has sometimes missed having these devotionals. This school year the two “little boys” have been coming into her room for devotional, when she can’t make it out to the living room. This morning again they sat by her, and she listened while they read, sang and prayed. Afterward, Christopher lingered by his moms side, staring at her, chin resting on his hands, with her hand upon his cheek. They were talking, I don’t know what about, but I ran to get my camera, and just missed the moment, as they finished and she withdrew her hand. But I did get this picture of the boys with her.
Although more stable the past 2 months, the past 2-3 weeks Julie has been gradually eating less, experiencing more pain, and becoming more weak. This was very noticeable on out trip to Houston. Aside from king crab legs, she didn’t eat much while we were there, and not much since.
She had her PRRT treatment last Thursday, tolerated it well, and slept for about 20 hours during and after the treatment. The doctors we met with said that based on the test, the tumors were well differentiated and had the right receptors for the treatment, and it was likely that the treatments would work. We returned home Saturday, and she has slept a lot, and eaten little. I have pressed her hard to eat, and she pleads with me not to make her eat. I assume the treatment is responsible for some of this, but I also fear that this was happening before the treatment.
Today I took her to have an infusion of IV fluids to help her feel better. It didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Tonight she told me that she feels like she might stop breathing. Her breathing looks normal. I just wonder if her body is now dying. We have talked about the need for her to eat if she is going to survive, she knows this well, but has no desire right now. I told her we could go to the hospital for admission and IV nutrition until this passed, and she refused this, and requested to stay home in her bed. I told her that eventually she would die and pass on if we didn’t do something. She said that it would be OK if she died tonight, and she was ready for that. I don’t think that will happen, but I am full of angst, and so I write.
After we talked, we each prayed together, her voice thin and weak. She looked up at me and whispered, “I am so sick.” She softly and with so much kindness in her voice, thanked me for taking care of her. She got up and brushed her teeth, and I gave her two pain pills, and she got back in bed and was comfortable. I anticipate many more days together, but I don’t know anything. There have been other nights like this, maybe not exactly, but similar. Still, I am anxious, tonight there may not be much sleep…