30 October 2017
Just a quick update, Julie began hospice care on Friday, and she will be able to continue her IV nutrition as long as she wants. She will probably continue it until she becomes too delirious to make decisions and to have meaningful interactions. She understands that at that time, I will stop it for her. I don’t think she will decide to stop it before then, despite what she is going through.
Almost all of our children were here this weekend. I got Julie to come to church with us, and we sat together and watched our son Nathaniel bless the sacrament, and our son Christopher bring it to us. All weekend the older children once again got to see and talk to their mama. Heidi helped her with her make up, massaged her legs and painted her nails. It was an important visit for them, and they left in peace.
Julie had an appointment at the Teton Cancer Institute today, probably for the last time. Her oncologist told her that going to Houston for more PRRT treatments is probably no longer an option. Those treatments probably won’t help enough and she might not survive another treatment. This is what we suspected, no real news, but when we got out to the car, she still sobbed, “Well, this is it, I am going to die.” She was so sad. Her face showed the contortions of heartbreak and anguish. I got as close as I could in our truck, I just wanted to squeeze her so hard, but that would break her bones. Instead I just had to tell her how much I’d like to squeeze her.
After some gentle words we drove around together for the rest of the afternoon and evening. While I took care of errands she wanted to stay with me and ride shotgun, rather than go back to bed. Among other things, we drove to look at a cemetery, where she and I would lie together someday. She seemed to like it and was interested to see recent headstones of friends buried there also too soon. It seemed strangely comforting for her I think.
I doubt I will be writing again soon. I really don’t know how long this will last, while she gets IV nutrition. I asked her if she wanted to survive through the holidays. She said, “No that really doesn’t matter.” There is nothing really holding her back now, except family. When the time comes, I think she will be ready.